I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
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