What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
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