Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
