I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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