Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Pooping to opera.
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