Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
