so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
