got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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