Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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