I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
