I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Randomize
