You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
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