ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Randomize
