I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Randomize
