well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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