Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
