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I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
