I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Randomize
