WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
