1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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