it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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