did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Watching her eat just hurts me
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
