its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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