Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
