Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
