these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
