He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
