You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
