Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
