he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Randomize
