He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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