i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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