Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
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