Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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