My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
