it was like his penis was on wheels.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Randomize
