turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Randomize
