I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
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