Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Randomize
