i need an iv and a liver transplant
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Randomize
