Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
