fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
