mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
and you said cock pushups were impossible
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Randomize
