I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I just saw a hot homeless man
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
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