May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
