Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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