You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
