The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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