First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Randomize
