why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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