They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
